Swords, Women, and Cars!

If I told you we’d be talking about Old English knights, beautiful women, and supped up cars you’d no doubt say “wait, Transformers doesn’t come out til June!”.  And while you’d be right about Transformer’s release date, we are in fact talking about this past week’s lineup.  Yes it seems Hollywood decided to give every audience something they could watch, from a would-be king deciding to take up his rightful throne, to a family of inner-city low-riders dealing with past demons.  But which choose-you-own-adventure did audiences go on?

Get ready for a lot of think pieces about why a white man with abs can’t seem to catch a box office break, because this premier weekend belongs to the ladies.  The Amy Schumer and Goldie Hawn film Snatched rode Mother’s Day weekend to an impressive $19 million opener.  With a reported budget of $42 million it will likely (with a little help from the rest of the world) earn back it’s money and keep giving us more Amy Schumer, which I for one am perfectly fine with.

King Arthur: Legend of the Sword came right in behind with an opening $15 million against a quite larger $175 million budget.  This will likely make it the biggest dud of 2017, but hey, the year is still young so let’s hold off giving Charlie Hunnam that special award.  It also currently sits at a “rotten” 26% approval on Rotten Tomatoes, though 80% of viewers said they liked it.  So we now know RT users represent very few people.

Finishing off the weekend premiers was Lowriders, a film about a family who works on primarily lowrider cars and focuses on the youngest brother whose gift at hood murals is something to behold.  The film earned $2 million and with any luck will have some legs through the coming weeks.  It may not be the best film out there but I’m always for supporting smaller films with an actual diverse cast.  Speaking of cast – Theo Rosi, who stars in the film as the older brother come home, worked with King Arthur’s Charlie Hunnam on Sons of Anarchy.  Maybe a Lowriders/King Arthur crossover would help Charlie’s box office draw?  It couldn’t be any worse.

But of course none of these films came close to the number 1 film of the weekend.  That honor goes to space-opera-with-an-edge Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2.  It smashed the competition with a $65 million weekend, dropping 55% from its opener.  It’s week 1 total came to $183 million, just shy of its reported $200 million budget.  So as Evan will undoubtedly be reminding us til someone passes him, that makes Guardians a sure bet for positive numbers.  In fact, as of writing this he’s $48 million in the black, so yes, Evan, take a bow.  And enjoy it, because it may not last long.

Though with next week’s films also being one for Evan that may take a while.

For next week, we let the generations battle it out.  Pre-teen animation vs. YA novel-turned-film vs. a sequel prequel good excuse to see aliens bursting out of chests.  It’s gonna be good!

And so it begins…

Well here we are folks.  The first post for the year!  It’s a little late, as we’ve had technical difficulties getting here, but no stress because no we’re up and ready to go!  So let’s get into shall we?

Weekend Premiers

The Spring Movie League is going strong in its first week.  First up is the hotly anticipated DiCaprio film The Revenant which scored an excellent opening release with just shy of $40 million, strong all around but especially for a January release.  The Film stars DiCaprio as an 18th century trapper left to die in the Canadian wilderness, searching for the men that left him there.  It’s a gritty revenge thriller the likes of which haven’t been seen since Eastwood’s Man with No Name graced the screen.  Just replace the wild west with the frigid Canadian forest and lovely ladies with a Grizzly bear looking to tear your head off.  Only downside to the film?  A $135 million budget.  Let’s hope Golden Globe and Oscar buzz keep this one afloat or Evan’s going to be the one looking to tear someone’s head off.

Also premiering this week is the “Based on True(ish) Scenarios, or at least an actual location that’s creepy as hell” horror film The Forest.  The film earned a respectable $12.7 million opening weekend and stars Game of Thrones powerhouse Natalie Dormer.  The movie is set in Japan’s real life Suicide Forest and follows a girl looking for her identical twin who’s gone missing while traveling the site.  OK, so maybe not the strongest plot line, but I’m not knocking it til I see it.  I’m completely on board with twins having secret psychic connections.  It’s why I’ve always wanted a twin!  That, and for someone to take my place at work on rainy mornings.  The film cost just $10 million to make so it’s already a hit for… seriously how did none of us chose the cheap horror film?  Hail Caesar! better not fail.

Week 1 Finals

Finishing off its first full week was Evan’s The Hateful Eight earning a nice $35 million on a $53 million budget.  Hateful Eight (H8?  Nicknames are hard) is the eighth film for Quentin Tarantino and tells the story of 8 outlaws and bounty hunters stuck in a haberdashery waiting for a winter storm from Hell to pass.   Swap the flowing facial hair and cowboy boots for Farrah Faucet waves and leg warmers and you’d have the perfect John Hughes film.  Fun fact: John Hughes only directed 8 films during his impressive career.  Funner fact: Imagine that all his films are actually in the same universe and that the characters are related/run into each other during their emotional monologues.  Like if the guys from Weird Science went to the same High School as Ferris Bueller and wanted nothing more than to be as popular as him, hence their Frankenstein’s Monster of a women helping them get into the In Crowd?  Wait where was I?  Right, H8.  The film is getting a lot of love, sitting at a certified fresh 74% on Rotten Tomatoes and should have no problem catching up to and passing its budget.

Leader Board

So how does this look for our team of players?  To the Leader Board!… next week.  Still working out getting it set up with the blog, but for now let’s just say Evan is in last place as his is the only film with a full week and it’s still below its budget.  Isn’t math awesome?!  But don’t freak and bear claw my face Evan.  You’ll be ahead in no time.

Next week Cube and Hart (Cart? Hube? 0 for 2 on this) take the brother-in-law franchise and face off against Michael Bay’s Ameri-tastic version of the Benghazi attacks.  Good Luck!